Up & Down

These last 8 weeks have been so up and down. Each day is different and each portion of the day is different. You never know what to expect, what to hope for, what's to come. I don't think I'm getting any better at going with the flow and not planning...maybe one day. I have improved at letting things go though, and not asking so many questions...just get in the truck and wherever you end up is where you will end up (and try to make the most of each place you find yourself in - that's what I've been telling myself each time I'm caught off guard, unprepared and thus very anxious and uncomfortable). Are there any others out there reading this that can't stand not knowing what you're getting yourself into and thus aren't prepared? I'm trying so hard not to let it ruin my times as it normally would, but when I'm really not dressed appropriately for various events, it's so hard to relax and just accept the situation as is!

A couple of times Maurice, the guy who works in the clinic who initially handles the patient forms, has come to me with a name in hopes that I can tell him the patient number so that he doesn't have to spend hours looking through files. Previously we had been unsuccessful, likely because I have yet to enter them in the system or because I spelled their name incredibly wrong, but Wednesday and Thursday we had 2 successes! The look on his face made the endless hours of data entry worth it. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be and how much time is spent looking for a misfiled or lost form. Now, with the click of a few buttons, ta da! He was so excited (as was I)! We aren't using the Access system yet as we are still trying to work out a few bugs, but it's all in Excel which makes for easy finding!

Roselande has gone home now. I'm not sure her state but I know she wasn't happy that she had to leave. I hope to see her once more before I come home, I just hope it's not on the conditions that she's gotten worse. I've never seen someone so close to death, someone who really doesn't even want to live and has the power to actually influence her recovery.

Boni and I are working on writing now with her opposite hand so she can return to school in September. It's been a discouraging couple weeks with her but I will try to write about that later. My fear is that she will never use her right hand, that it will just be a limb that's useless and in the way. Ugh.

I have discovered many more projects and opportunities at the clinic that need some help. It's just a reminder that the work is not done here at the Eben-Ezer Clinic and those that come after me will have lots of fun!

Now, for this heat...anyone have any suggestions? I'm melting away!

It’s different for them…right?

As I make new friends and get to know people better, I seem to be blinded by the realities of life in Haiti. Let me explain. The few close friends that I have made here seem different to me. By different I mean because I’ve had normal conversations with them I for some reason conclude that they are just like me, or another North American. I am continually reminded that this isn’t the case. Even my friends, are well, Haitien. Most of them don’t have jobs. Most of them don’t have money. They have mothers who work at the market in Limbe, hoping to sell just one article of clothing that day. They don’t always have food or money to pay for their tuition. I’m not sure if the hope that I have that they are different is me just being foolish, not wanting to face reality, protecting myself, lightening the situation, etc. etc. etc. I think it’s a lot of things but it’s not doing good for anyone. The situation here in Haiti is, well, I can’t find a good word for it. Extreme? Desperate? Severe? Dire? Infinite? Overwhelming? I don’t want to keep these blinders on but it seems that’s been the pattern. And so, as I finish these last 4 weeks here, would you pray with me that I would see the harsh realities of life here in Haiti? I saw a lot of this the first couple weeks and what a ride that was. It’s tough, and in many ways I don’t want to walk through it, but I am here and this is what I came for. To learn and experience the realities of Haitien life.

Update: Roselande has returned to Manno’s house after 1 week of being home. Her progress deteriorated drastically and is not doing well. She isn’t eating nearly as much as she was when she was here before and is refusing to give herself her insulin. Pray for her health, both physically and mentally. I don’t see the fight and light I saw in her when she was here before, she’s back to the girl I met when we picked her up in the jungle – no desire to live and no fight for life.

World view

Today I have been thinking about bringing children to Haiti and what impact it would make on their lives. I wish for everyone to gain a better understanding of the world outside of their world. I want all Winnipeggers to get a better picture of the world and I want Haitiens to see that there's another world out there. I want my children to grow up knowing and understanding a different culture. I think that will be something that will be on my parenting list of things to do. If I can't do anything else, I want to give my children the opportunity to travel and see the world at a young age. I can't even begin to imagine how it would form them as human beings. As a 23 year I already have values and ideas formed in my head. Before travelling to Ecuador at 18 I had my ideas and values formed. Yes I'm always being changed and transformed, but what about introducing children at a young age to life in Haiti? It's almost overwhelming for me to think about. One day I would love to bring down my nieces and nephew and cousins. To show them the world outside of what they know. I would love for my new friends here in Haiti to experience life in Winnipeg. There is something so profound that happens when you sumberge yourself in another culture with another race. There is oh so much to learn.

Understanding

There is much I do not understand about Haiti. Much I don't understand about this culture. The more I experience the more questions I have and the more I don't understand. I know so very little.

Rat incident # 2

Lastnight I heard some scratching...and some rummaging...and some plastic being walked on...

Up I jumped on my bed, turned on my headlamp, grabbed my umbrella and extended it like a long stick...and nothing (try to picture this please....because it's really a hilarious image now...).

I threw my ipod at my bag of granola bars (which I forgot to hang back in my bear bag) and nothing. Poked around my suit cases with my umbrella, nothing.

I stood on my bed for awhile...wondering what in the world to do. Finally got the courage to shine the light all around the dresser and my suitcases. I found nothing.

So I laid in my bed listening, waiting, for 30 minutes, until my alarm went off to go running. 4:37am and that stupid "ratla" (rat in Creole) came back.

This afternoon I moved back into the main house. I don't care how loud it is. How many unexpected visitors I get and how much lack of personal space I have. There are NO rats in that house...at least none that I've seen.

I think this will help with the loneliness as well. At least I can hear and see people wandering around whereas in the other room I was completely secluded. Yes, I think it's for the best. Stupid ratla!

From last week

I wrote this post on my computer last week (July 2) and never posted it. Here it is!

Today I’ve been thinking about how this part of my journey fits into the big picture of my life. I thought it might start making sense once I got here but it really hasn’t. Life here seems “normal”, or at least I’m moving into that stage I think. Work seems to be work. Those day to day issues seem to be creeping back into my life. It seems when you shake up your normal schedule those things you think about most get pushed back and are forgotten. But once you find a new pattern or routine, back they creep in. And so they’re here.

Through learning about this culture and this community, there are things that I love, and things I don’t. There are things I agree with, and lots that I don’t. There are things that I like about how people treat women, and there are things that I don’t. I’ve been missing my independence. Missing knowing friends that I trust. Missing going out to places that I love with people that I love. I’ve just finished week 5 of 11 which seems crazy to me. It seems like I’ve been here so much longer and 6 more weeks seems so long, yet so so short. I know I will be ready to come home, I already kind of am, but it’s going to be incredibly difficult. I don’t know what the future holds. I have no idea if or when I will return. I think that’s the hardest part of leaving. What makes it easier is knowing what I’m coming home to. A wonderful family, friends, a great job, community, city, etc. etc. etc. I feel truly blessed to have all that I do in Canada. Seeing the community here and being an “outsider” reminds me of what is back home. Sigh.

Through trying to discern whether or not I may be called to live overseas I’ve learned only a few things thus far. The things I’ve learned are what I DON’T want to be as a “missionary”. Being here this summer I haven’t viewed myself as a missionary, exactly. I just saw it as the opportunity to live in another place and work there. To offer whatever I could and walk alongside people for a short time. I didn’t want the pressure and the stereotypes put on me. If I was to return to this community or to another country to work, I’m not sure I’d want to go under the title “missionary”. And if I did, I sure wouldn’t want to look like a lot of missionaries. Now this sounds like it’s coming from a specific example but it’s really not. It’s coming from the presence of another race in a community and the affects that it has. The impact that the white people have in this community, this country. I want to be viewed as just another person living here. I don’t want to live in a nice house, or have nice things. I want to live and eat and travel and be just as they are. I know it’s possible. I think that’s part of the sacrifice of being a “missionary”.

Who knows what is in my future, but for now I’ll continue on. I need a lot of patience here and feel I have a lack of love a lot of the time. When I’m tired or frustrated or just distracted I seem to not love well. I need to slow down and be patient.

Database

Thanks to much help from some of the group members that were here the last 2 weeks, we are on our way with the database. We have almost all records entered in for 2009 and I'll start working back from there. We are at about 1700 or 34 000. Yikes! I'm beginning to realize I'm only going to get a start at this. I'm looking forward to implementing the database with the staff and showing them how easy it will be to keep records and information up to date. Please pray with me for a computer as they don't have one to use for this program. The clinic has 1 desktop but it will not work for this.

It's still really hot here. No electricity last night which means to fan. Which means not much sleep. Electricity and running water truly is a blessed thing.

Happy Canada Day friends!