I had another conversation today while eating my lunch (Janelle is out of town so I was eating alone upstairs when my "friend" came by) and this same situation has happened time and again. We have many friends here, but it never quite feels like the friendships you have at home. Some come very very close, but there's always something that is so different between you that doesn't allow for it to be the same. Anyways, this person works at the house, changes our water for us, washes dishes, cleans, helps cook, runs errands etc. Today was the blessed day. I was asked for money by him to buy sandals. Sigh. It gets frustrating sometimes because it's at that time that our relationship feels different, it changes. As friendly as I can be, it doesn't always go very far. The reality is, I could give him that money. I do have a bank account. I do have emergency funds in my room. But the problem? I give him money it just creates a pattern. Don't get me wrong, when someone needs money for food or in some other situations, I do give it, but it's so hard to know at which times it's the best decision. A piece of me feels hurt or frustrated that they ask me. Another part wonders if that's a sign of friendship, that he feels comfortable enough to ask. In this situation, that's not the case. And yet can I blame him for asking me? It can't hurt right? Maybe he'll get some cash! Sigh.
Sigh...Sigh...Sigh...
And in this culture, if you say no, it's as if you have just created for yourself an enemy. Nobody says no. When in this situation I'm caught off guard and I often have no idea how to respond. Also it being in another language makes things even more complicated (am I sure I understood what he was asking for correctly? Did he say he wanted money to buy some sandals or he wanted to wash my sandals...?) So, did I just create an enemy for myself? I doubt it. It just sucks. Changes our relationship. Makes me feel like all I'm good for is my money, which I know isn't true but just often feels that way. Anyways, learning how to respond to the needs of this community sometimes seems impossible. Like it's a lose lose situation. Help them and create dependency and precedent, say no and have a new enemy and be viewed poorly. God give me wisdom and patience and love! And don't forget the patience please! :)
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Shauna, I have been sitting here trying to think of some insight that I could possibly give to a situation and culture I could never fully understand.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, friend - I am praying for you.
Sorry Shauna - times like this are so difficult. Hang on to your convictions anyway - always handing out money actually creates an imbalance in the relationship that over time will crush the relationship altogether because your friend cannot afford to repay you. People need dignity and will feel a sense of 'smallness' over receiving your 'free gift'. This sense of imbalance particularly if you have a pattern of giving in this way will make it so that you don't have any meaningful relationships left. Small loans, a trade or pay for work is better. And if you can't offer that then 'no' has to be the answer. It is actually the most loving response most of the time. There is an excellent book on this called "Walking with the Poor". I'll see what I can do to find a copy if you're interested.
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